I have slowly begun to feel magical again
For weeks and even months, I have been crying more often than I should. I was crying today too. Part of it is mourning a social death. My family doesn't know it, but I had to let them go in my heart a little. They have said and done things that I just cannot wrap my head around and its one of those things that makes it even harder to be myself around them. I can't trust them to be honest with my feelings on SO many things. I'm in a room of carnivorous birds that scream so I remain quiet. I already have a mask when I am near but now that mask is so heavy it hurts my face. I am an image of myself that they can tolerate. They want me to be who cares about becoming wealthy, maintaining a facade of perfection, and having a partner that fits them. Oh, and that person better be of their faith or else. I still struggle with wanting a partner on and off. Mostly because I don't feel safe to bring my family to them. They don't deserve that hell of being judged by my family. I make enough to live in meaningful comfort, but I never wanted to be rich. Enough is just enough for me. I want to enough to be left alone and to be independent. So, this July 4th for the first time I lied to them. I cannot make it cause things came up. Instead, I am going to rest in my wonderland of a space that makes me feel like I'm in a far-off universe. Surrounded by books and dreams. Today after I cried and told them I'm "busy", I want to create things suddenly. I had so many ideas. I want to read, write, draw, get a tattoo I always wanted, dance, and honestly cry in peace. I want a messy home with flowers in a vase on the windowsill. A good book and coffee. To learn and read new things like philosophy and history. To go to work and come home to my slice of heaven. Its so good to feel magical in a world of such heavy darkness. I think I will lie more often even though I used to not do it so much around my family until more recently.